Dear B & H Camera Supply,
Where do I begin? Well for starters … My name is Bill Kinkaid and I need to ask if the rumor about your name is true. Does B & H really stand for Bone Head, or has my currently incarcerated mother been lying to me once again? Much like the time she told me I would be going away to summer camp; but found out she had sold me into white slavery for a shiny Zippo lighter (Embossed with a peace sign) and I ended picking cotton for almost 2 months. Thankfully I escaped in the dead of night, losing only one arm in the process … Well … Is it true or is she fibbing again? (Just send the reply to this question along with your recommendations that I’ll be asking for in the bottom part of this email)
Anyway … I’m writing because I desperately need the help of a camera professional; and since none were available, I had no choice but to contact you. You see, I’m looking to upgrade my current camera set-up to something, shall we say, just a tad bit more modern. (Preferably something with laser beams) I have one prerequisite (Although I must admit that I have no clue as to what the word “PREREQUISITE” even means) I need a camera that can be operated by a man with one arm (For once, my missing toes will not factor into this decision … at all) What I’m using at the present time is a 1970’s Polaroid Instamatic camera with a jim-dandy built in flash. I have to confess that it was pretty cool back in the day; and helped me get in real good with the ladies ... IF, you know what I mean?
FYI: If you’re anything like me then you can easily remember when actors James Garner and Mariette Hartley were prostituting themselves all over the TV airwaves promoting that camera back in the 70’s. Like most people, I used to think the 2 of them were married; but thankfully it turned out that they were just having a torrid love affair that only ruined the lives of their entire families, friends, neighbors, and a one-eyed jockey.
That Polaroid camera was good back in my hip leisure suit wearing days of the 1970’s, 1980’s, 1990’s, 2000's and most of this current decade; but now that I’m a middle-aged, one-armed, toeless, balding, ex-morphine addict, with a spastic colon, and projectile nose boogers, it just doesn’t fit the bill anymore. (I’m sure all of the ladies will be happy to know that I’m not giving up the tri-colored brown leisure suit anytime soon! SO SPREAD THE GOOD NEWS! “BIG DADDY BILL” IS STILL ON THE PROWL!) Funny Story … I actually bought that camera back in 1978 mainly due to the fact that the terrifying evil ghost of James Garner showed up in my living room late one Friday night and gave me 2 choices … (Number 1) Either rush out and buy a Polaroid Instamatic Camera with a built in flash … or … (Number 2) Join him in the dark underworld afterlife for an eternity of excruciating torture. As you can obviously tell, I chose the Polaroid Instamatic Camera option; although I do have to admit that the dark underworld thing was pretty tempting for a short time when I was entrenched in a life and death battle against the horrors of Chronic Gingivitis.
Just how embarrassed do you think I am today, for telling that whole “Evil Satanic Ghost of James Garner” story for more than 36 years; only to find out just last week that James Garner isn’t even dead? Well, I’m almost as embarrassed as the time I accidentally urinated on Willie Nelson head. (Some people were mad at me & said that it couldn’t have been an accident since I’m the one who broke into his home and stood over him while he was peacefully sleeping. (Actually, to be perfectly honest, you should replace the previous words “SOME PEOPLE” with “A JURY OF MY PEERS” and the phrase “WERE MAD AT ME” with “GAVE ME 5 TO 10 YEARS”)) Just between you, me, and my Norwegian Pickle-Necked Mongoose … The more I think about it, the more I realize that it may have been the mushroom tea talking on that fateful night oh so many years ago when Mr. Garner allegedly showed up to threaten me. Unless of course, James Garner has always been one of Satan’s secret minions; and he’s hell bent on sending the non-picture taking segment of society straight to hell, after he finally does that animated version of The Rockford Files for the big screen.
As I was saying about my desire to buy a new camera set-up … I was hoping that your elite staff of corporate goodie-goodie butt-kissing yes-men could help me put together some kind of camera equipment package. I don’t want to spare any expense on this purchase, as long as we don’t go over my budget of $42.53. (Just because I told you my maximum amount I have readily available to spend, doesn’t give you the right to get greedy and cause me to use all of my $42.53 camera allowance. I’m hoping to have just enough cash left over to go eat a Three Egg Grand-Slam Breakfast at Denny’s later.) Can you please email me with all of your suggestions. It's not every day that I have that kind of money available, especially since I have a tendency to blow every cent I have on Gummi Bears & Yoo-Hoo.
By the way, can you please let me know if the equipment you will be recommending is small enough to fit in a ladies room bathroom stall? It's not for me, because Bill don't have no problems with the Honeys. It's for my ... Uh? ... for my ... Uh? Let's see ... Uh? ... Think Bill! THINK! ... It's for my ... Uh? ... best friend Steve ... Yep! That's right! It's for my best friend Steve. Who is currently doing a scientific study of how many pieces of toilet paper the female segment of the population will use during each tee-tee break. (I ... I mean HE... masterfully splits time with this potty research and his other experiment ... Collecting used ear wax from disgarded Q-Tips found at the County Lock-Up.) As backwards as it might sound ... Steve is really concerned that women are the ones solely responsible for de-forestation with so many trees being chopped down these days and turned into quilted toilet tissue. If this seems like a problem you might be concerned about too; then you can see my purely scientific pictures ... Oops! I mean Steve's purely scientific pictures over at my ... I mean HIS ... renowned science and medical research website:
www.BillKinkaidPresentsSkankyNudesCaughtInTheAct.com
www.BillKinkaidPresentsSkankyNudesCaughtInTheAct.com
I just can't begin to tell you how proud I am of him for making something out of himself after his near-fatal struggle to regain control of his runaway flatulence. In closing, let me just say thank you for treating me like a regular Joe and not some superstar just because I've got $42.53 to spend. Sometimes we rich folk have to remember where we came from; and we can't forget all of those kitty litter nugget sandwiches we had to eat on our way to the top. Please send your advice to me right away and please keep in mind that I will not change my underwear, or get up from this computer, until I receive your reply.
Your Snuggy-Wuggy-Boogie-Woogie-Boo-Bear,
Bill "Another-Roll-In-The-Can" Kinkaid
billkinkaid1966@yahoo.com
PS - According to your records ... Do you suppose those gifted idiots formerly of the pop group Nsync used nothing but B&H camera supplies? Please let me know in your email. I only ask because I think they're avid photographers just like me. When I saw them play live in support of their second album "Four Skinny Dudes & The Fat One" many years ago at "The Bixty-Hollerville Opera House and Body Shop" they wanted to take some private pictures of me in the back of an abandoned local warehouse. I didn't seem like a very strange request to me, so I agreed to meet all five of them at 3:00 AM ... blindfolded. I must have been pretty tired, because I don't remember much about the whole photo session, especially after they gave me that nice tasty drink they were calling "Rohypnol". I woke up 17 hours later in an alley 347 miles from home wearing nothing but a pink chiffon sun-dress and I was missing all of my top and bottom front teeth. Do teeth grow back?
